Every year millions of women “stop the world and get off” – Daria Willis.
It starts as dissatisfaction with where they are and then goes into confusion about where they want to be. We don’t often know where that place is, but what we do know is that “this ‘aint it.” I had an awakening five years ago that started in this same space. A confusion about where I was but not knowing exactly where I wanted to go. Over time, the layers of my purpose, where I wanted to go and how to get there started revealing themselves.
But each year, I have this conversation with myself – just to make sure I’m not allowing that level of dissatisfaction to creep back into my life again. I had this conversation most recently.
I said to myself, “Girl (cause we are homies like that) you are a breath away from turning 40. What has to happen, now? Who are you now?”
I usually ask this every year on my personal new year (gotta be consistent). When I assessed myself last year, I asked, “Who are you now, 60+ jobs, 3 business partners and 2 failed businesses later?”
It was a little bit more specific. Clearer because that narrative is what runs through my mind when I talk to a family member that doesn’t listen to my advice or a friend that shrugs me off when I say, “You can do better than that.” Their decisive dismissal is relic thinking. I’ve been typecast in their minds and it’s going to take a while before they can catch up to the rescripting that I’ve done for myself. That may be happening in your life, too. It’s because they know our failures and that narrative still plays for them about who we are. It doesn’t for me. Because then I was becoming..and still am & so are you.
All of our lives we are in a state of becoming.
Becoming who we are supposed to be. I remember butting my head against the idea that I am supposed to work for someone else for the rest of my life. It never made me feel good.
But because we are becoming, we tend to be influenced away from our natural state of being into the direction of someone who we never were meant to be by the same influences that mean us well but don’t understand that we have to pave our own path and that path may look different from their own and that’s ok.
But until we make that decision, we mimic ‘acceptable’ behavior.
We pantomime a ‘giving’ self so we don’t focus on the depths of who we really are. We come in last in our own lives even when we don’t mean to. We cover our desires up and our quirky weirdness because we don’t want anyone else to know our secrets. We makeup. We hide. We lose ourselves.
You know why it took me 2 failed business ventures, 3 business partners and 60+ jobs to get to where I am now? Because I let the opinion of others define who I was ‘supposed to’ be and what I had to do to be a success hold more weight in my life than my own.
- I didn’t even know what success looked like to me.
- All I knew was ‘supposed to’…shrinking thinking
- I was ‘supposed to’ look ‘professional’ (no natural hair).
- I was ‘supposed to’ work a 9-5 (who goes into business for themselves? You need ‘security’.)
There were so many ‘supposed to’ moments that I can’t even begin to name them all.
Their definition of success was my default definition for it.
Not their fault.
It was My Bad.
I didn’t know myself.
Hadn’t uncovered enough of me yet.
Had 1 foot in ‘supposed to’ & the other in discovery.
But your soul always and I mean ALWAYS leads you home to your true self, #soulphisticate.
People say success leaves clues.
God leaves clues.
2015 will always have a place in my heart because it allowed me to build my relationship with The Father. To get still. Stop running and allow His voice to be louder than those who told me what success was. THEIR definition. My default.
I reset the default (giant thinking). Defined that for myself.
I stopped relying on my own understanding and started trusting the source.
I trusted Him.
Because 60+ jobs, 3 business partners and 2 failed businesses later, I had learned the power of His teaching.
When He told me to move my feet and I planted them, I found myself involuntarily walking away.
When He told me to close the door and I left it cracked a lil bit, I heard it slam and lock.
When I left my job and had a panic attack because I had no plan to pay my bills or take care of The Kid, He put a parachute on my back and led me to safe ground. The parachute held all of my seeds. Scattered them across fertile ground.
So…I pulled off my glasses (yes I wear them in real life) and looked in the mirror.
Because stepping into this personal new year had changed some things. It meant I was required to leave struggle and lack behind. I woke up and just said ‘no more’. My ceiling had lifted. #ThereAreLevelsToThis life.
It was His call for me to do more.
I said, “No more hiding.”PIN IT!
“No more worrying”
“Plan for your opportunities.”
“More praying. More meditation”
“You are built to lead queens”
“You are built to help hundreds of thousands of people create their destinies and legacies for their children.”
“You deserve more than what you’ve limited yourself to. You REQUIRE more to fulfill the mission.”
“You are beautiful.”
“I love you.”
“This is your harvest season”
“Close the door on the losses. From them, you’ve learned all you could.”
“Say thank you more often and invite joy to be more of a resident than a visitor.”
“You got this.”
On my personal new year, I put away childish things.